Shadows of a Quill

Anyone else creeped out by America watching the outside of the Anthony house?  Are we hoping to see them try to carry the body out of the back yard in the middle of the night or something?

Mobile Cam

There have been some wonderful things that have come out of 9-11. One of those things is the heightened appreciation for our men and women who serve our country, both at home, and abroad. There are, however, some very foolish things that have become of America since 911.

1. Never in my life have I seen more people with the audacity to take another human being’s life into their hands at the mercy of a gun. Did we only decide, after 911, that the only way to beat the people who are responsible for this is to join them?

2. I have also never seen such a focus on violence form the media. I understand that on 911 your ratings were the highest that they have ever been in history, but do we really want to try to recreate this even every day of our lives?

3. Never have I seen so much focus on hate. Through a combination of the fear of the unknown, and the events which shook this nation, people have turned to hate, in a futile attempt to understand the mentality of those individuals who are responsible for this monstrosity. CONGRATULATIONS in your intimate understanding of hate…. what good does that do?

4. I have also not seen so many indecisive, insecure, and down right spineless people in my life. We, America, used to stand for BRAVE, just because you don’t understand, or just because you are afraid, or just because you are now uncomfortable, that does not mean you should cease to stand up for what is right. If we are in a fight between good and evil, what are you doing letting the evil ones go with out consequence or protest?

5. I have never seen so many selfish people. Since when is it ok to see people doing and committing evil acts, and to just look away? What if it was your child? What if it was your business? Your life savings? What if it was you and everyone just stood by and watched it happen?

6. In my lifetime I have never seen such prejudice in America. Now I am not old enough to have lived through the battles and struggles of slavery. I do, however, have interracial children, and I have been a victim of prejudice for my interracial relationship. I have signed an application for an apartment, and when my boyfriend showed up to sign it, the apartment was mysteriously rented already. In spite of our down payment. I have been asked to leave, and followed in stores, and even pulled over for suspicion because I was with a man of another race.

But this takes the cake! Since when does everyone with a middle eastern heritage become an enemy. Do we really have to re-live the mistakes we have made as a country without any regard to learning from our past? Come on people! Are we, as a race so stupid that we can’t learn that hate doesn’t work?

It is only fear that leads to hate. Fear for your life, fear of the unknown, fear of being afraid forever. I find this faithless in an unquestionable, unacceptable manner. Faith…

Ok, so where are our spiritual leaders, who are suppose to raise the faith of God’s people? Well, they are writing self help books on how to become wealthy the biblical way. Which is just another pacifier to the real problem. People do not like the world we live in. People are not comfortable in their lives, because there is the knowledge that someone may ruthlessly take it away at any minute. And instead of fighting evil with good, they are becoming evil to cope with the “evil world syndrome.”

I understand, I live in this world too! However, more bad does not make anything good. Goodness can not come from the heart of any man or woman, for there is no goodness in humanity. That is not even a question, anyone could see that. Everyone, given the right situation, would forsake all others to preserve themselves. Why?

Why fight so hard to remain in a world that is so full of evil, and yet refuse the only goodness in this world? For those of you who don’t know me I am a Christian. I happen to be one with bias, because I have actually read the book professing the Christian faith in its entirety.

Now, imagine this, you take a 9 year old child, and you put him on an island with no one else, and only a bible, and food and water. Do you think that child, after reading the bible in its entirety, would hold the same principles that the average Christian does today. I say no. That child would be more Christ like then any other, however, ignorant in the evil of a man’s heart (relatively speaking). So if being exposed to the evil of a man’s heart changes the heart of a believer, then what protection d we have?

Here is where the responsibility of the spiritual leaders comes into play. There are instructions in the bible which are given explicitly for the purpose of protecting your heart and mind from evil. So why is no one teaching this to the believers? Because it is not a “pleasant” subject to think that evil is real. People would rather become slightly evil, to justify the evil in their hearts, and call evil committed a mutation of normal, instead of what it truly is. The surrender to the evil of a man’s heart. People are not willing to admit that evil comes from within man.

If the world existed, and the only thing missing would be the human race, would there be evil? Could there be evil? Is not evil something that exists solely in the heart of man? Now there are negative and positive forces, science will prove that, but in the authority that was given man, from his (as a race) creator, evil can not proceed without a host if you will. So, man is the host of evil. This is why I say it is in man’s heart. With no host, evil dies.

So why would something, being evil, want to destroy its means to survive?

I don’t believe it does. I believe man kills, and dies because of its union with evil. Because God does not want evil to survive, therefore, when Adam ate the fruit, “he would surely die.” Now just let that soak in for a minute…

If we are tired of killing and evil, why do we turn to evil in retaliation? Does it not lead to our death? Does anyone deny that hate breeds evil?

If man (as a race) is inherently evil, from the fall of Adam, who is teaching us how to be good? Is becoming wealthy in worldly desires good? The bible says it is hard for a rich man to get into heaven. So why do people want to be rich? Because they think it will save some heartache and pain perhaps?

No man woman or child will escape this world without enduring great pain and suffering, even Jesus.

The reason we are all uncomfortable in this world, is because people no longer look at ultimate success of a man as the complete refining of one’s self. We have all become like Job’s friends. We blame the good things and the bad on each other, and ourselves. We are unwilling to see the good in things. We no longer look within our hearts, we now rely on our goodness to be shown by something outside of ourselves.

Let me explain using a parable as Jesus did…

A refiner’s fire is a fire that is so hot that it causes any metal being heated upon it to be separated from the dross that is within it. The liquid metal gets heated up, and the impurities rise to the surface, whereupon the silversmith then removes the dross. As more dross is consumed or removed, the refined metal is purer, more precious to the Refiner. When the metal is pure, the Refiner can see his reflection in the metal.

So, we are the metal, God is the refiner, and the fire is God’s will. The dross is the evil of man’s heart. God’s will can be to afflict us with evil, for th sake of our refining process. Or God’s will can be to cool us down, and give us the goodness of His water (the Holy Spirit).

My point is this. If we, as a race, as a country, America, are being heated up to just before a boil, why are we holding on to the dross which we are supposed to give up? Why are we resisting the purity of our selves? Is it because we don’t understand the process?

I leave you with this…

Isaiah 33

15 He who walks righteously
and speaks what is right,
who rejects gain from extortion
and keeps his hand from accepting bribes,
who stops his ears against plots of murder
and shuts his eyes against contemplating evil-

16 this is the man who will dwell on the heights,
whose refuge will be the mountain fortress.
His bread will be supplied,
and water will not fail him.

Most people see the world as they are; and not as it is. It ever intrigues me to ponder the why’s of human behavior. Of choices, and reactions, dreams, and settlements, all justified to someone… and misunderstood by so many others. What drives us to press on into un-surmounting odds, and relinquish life long dreams?

Take, for example, the woman who surrounds herself with people of interest; ones who will create a desired social appearance, and yet permits herself to feel nothing. Resulting in her unhappiness and magnified state of loneliness. This is the woman who smiles on the outside, and is crying inside.  She goes home at night, weary from pretending all day long, only to find that sleep escapes her.  Further multiplying her depression.

Then take the man who was mistreated by his mother.  Who stands a man half way to forty, with no one whom he has allowed into his life.  He is guarded, and mean towards anyone who attempts to see him without his mask.  He too goes home every night to loneliness.  This is the man who tells himself he enjoys being alone, that is until he must go home to an empty apartment at the close of each day.

Then there is the child…whose mother is an unfortunate woman who was abused as a child, and has never matured.  This child must take on the role of the responsible adult before the double digits of life.  Meanwhile, the mother of this child is trapped in a teenager’s mind, unable to accomplish the most rudimentary of tasks, such as getting a job.  Instead, she feeds off of the system, breeding more children who will raise themselves, and collecting assistance for her emotional scars.

What motivates people?  What compells people to stay in miserable situations?  What is this fear which withholds people from obtaining their goals?

The world is broken, there is little doubt about that.  But the world is nothing more then people, therefore people are broken.  Although humans possess the most incredible power to manipulate the world around them, therein being able to make decisions toward desired outcomes, and still the world is broken.  Why should people as a whole possess such power towards their future, and remain trapped in the present, and in the past?

I have just so much to be thankful for:

A wonderful husband and father to my children.  A family that lives relatively close.  The ability to stay at home with my kids.  The opportunity to build a business from the ground up.  Health.  Wonderful children.  etc.

And yet today seemed apathetic to that which I have so much appreciation for.

How can one day contain all the appreciation and love I have bursting out of me?  Even when I tell people, they seem uninterested.  How many people, young as I am, can say that they really are in the center of what they love, and exactly where they want to be?  With God, with their goals, with their families…and for me, it is all the more sweeter, knowing where I came from.  Could love touch so deep that this once black sheep, cold, and raging, alone and inviting of death; is now so full of light and love and life?  How wonderful the gift of life, and how many days do we, as a race, as a culture, as a people, miss it as we are living it?

The comfort and fears of a life without change, choking me slowly at first…

It began with an innocent 10 minutes late to the office. After all, who hasn’t drug their feet and enjoyed one extra cup of coffee on a Monday morning? This should shock no one, unless your boss is God.

Managers, carnal and temporal rotated above and beside me throughout the five years of service to a leperous company. That which I now refer to as “The Cancer.” Let me say that it wasn’t always so… there was honor and integrity, or the mirage of such leadership. Slowly, through a series of white lies and distortion of the line between moral and immoral, the cancer grew. The few times that this cancer tried to implant itself into me, I drew The Sword and fought it off. There were threats, none of which budged this iron clad Irish girl. I stood my ground when they asked me to compromise the values my God laid out for me.

I went back to school, worked really hard, and earned my degree. Before I knew it, five years had past, the slimy managers steered clear of the likes of me, and I was fairly unhappy, and also fairly comfortable.

It was then that the thought occurred to me. “Could it be time for a change?” Fleeting and short lived the first go around, this thought slowly seeped into my sub-conscience. I remained faithful in prayer, petitioning Jesus for guidance into the purpose alotted for a dreamer such as I. The Lord revealed to me daily new revelations about the seasons of life, and how to deal appropriately. I moved from petitions for guidance into “power” praying. All of these seekings and revelations brought me back to the starting point. I still was not convinced that finding a better job was the path that fulfilled the will of the Lord in my life.

So many times in my life I have said “There are no prayers left unanswered for the faithful, only yes’s and no’s.” The answer to my question was revealed to me over a year ago…”No.” I am not slotted to spend 50 hours away from my family, or chasing some dream of wealth.

What needed to change was not the course of my life, rather the reception of the will of my God in my life.

Today…

I resigned from my job.