Shadows of a Quill

Most people see the world as they are; and not as it is. It ever intrigues me to ponder the why’s of human behavior. Of choices, and reactions, dreams, and settlements, all justified to someone… and misunderstood by so many others. What drives us to press on into un-surmounting odds, and relinquish life long dreams?

Take, for example, the woman who surrounds herself with people of interest; ones who will create a desired social appearance, and yet permits herself to feel nothing. Resulting in her unhappiness and magnified state of loneliness. This is the woman who smiles on the outside, and is crying inside.  She goes home at night, weary from pretending all day long, only to find that sleep escapes her.  Further multiplying her depression.

Then take the man who was mistreated by his mother.  Who stands a man half way to forty, with no one whom he has allowed into his life.  He is guarded, and mean towards anyone who attempts to see him without his mask.  He too goes home every night to loneliness.  This is the man who tells himself he enjoys being alone, that is until he must go home to an empty apartment at the close of each day.

Then there is the child…whose mother is an unfortunate woman who was abused as a child, and has never matured.  This child must take on the role of the responsible adult before the double digits of life.  Meanwhile, the mother of this child is trapped in a teenager’s mind, unable to accomplish the most rudimentary of tasks, such as getting a job.  Instead, she feeds off of the system, breeding more children who will raise themselves, and collecting assistance for her emotional scars.

What motivates people?  What compells people to stay in miserable situations?  What is this fear which withholds people from obtaining their goals?

The world is broken, there is little doubt about that.  But the world is nothing more then people, therefore people are broken.  Although humans possess the most incredible power to manipulate the world around them, therein being able to make decisions toward desired outcomes, and still the world is broken.  Why should people as a whole possess such power towards their future, and remain trapped in the present, and in the past?

I have just so much to be thankful for:

A wonderful husband and father to my children.  A family that lives relatively close.  The ability to stay at home with my kids.  The opportunity to build a business from the ground up.  Health.  Wonderful children.  etc.

And yet today seemed apathetic to that which I have so much appreciation for.

How can one day contain all the appreciation and love I have bursting out of me?  Even when I tell people, they seem uninterested.  How many people, young as I am, can say that they really are in the center of what they love, and exactly where they want to be?  With God, with their goals, with their families…and for me, it is all the more sweeter, knowing where I came from.  Could love touch so deep that this once black sheep, cold, and raging, alone and inviting of death; is now so full of light and love and life?  How wonderful the gift of life, and how many days do we, as a race, as a culture, as a people, miss it as we are living it?

The comfort and fears of a life without change, choking me slowly at first…

It began with an innocent 10 minutes late to the office. After all, who hasn’t drug their feet and enjoyed one extra cup of coffee on a Monday morning? This should shock no one, unless your boss is God.

Managers, carnal and temporal rotated above and beside me throughout the five years of service to a leperous company. That which I now refer to as “The Cancer.” Let me say that it wasn’t always so… there was honor and integrity, or the mirage of such leadership. Slowly, through a series of white lies and distortion of the line between moral and immoral, the cancer grew. The few times that this cancer tried to implant itself into me, I drew The Sword and fought it off. There were threats, none of which budged this iron clad Irish girl. I stood my ground when they asked me to compromise the values my God laid out for me.

I went back to school, worked really hard, and earned my degree. Before I knew it, five years had past, the slimy managers steered clear of the likes of me, and I was fairly unhappy, and also fairly comfortable.

It was then that the thought occurred to me. “Could it be time for a change?” Fleeting and short lived the first go around, this thought slowly seeped into my sub-conscience. I remained faithful in prayer, petitioning Jesus for guidance into the purpose alotted for a dreamer such as I. The Lord revealed to me daily new revelations about the seasons of life, and how to deal appropriately. I moved from petitions for guidance into “power” praying. All of these seekings and revelations brought me back to the starting point. I still was not convinced that finding a better job was the path that fulfilled the will of the Lord in my life.

So many times in my life I have said “There are no prayers left unanswered for the faithful, only yes’s and no’s.” The answer to my question was revealed to me over a year ago…”No.” I am not slotted to spend 50 hours away from my family, or chasing some dream of wealth.

What needed to change was not the course of my life, rather the reception of the will of my God in my life.

Today…

I resigned from my job.